to be me

Wondering when is the last time i have ever type, click "publish post" without concerning about the number of comments that i would receive [ya, if you duno, comments =people read it, to me], and without concerning bout the typing errors, re-checked and rechecked; even google-ing to make sure everything is fine before posting it up;since when i care too much about what PEOPLE like to read, but again, not what i like the most to post. I miss those times, when i start blogging, when i put all the stuffs up, and people keeps telling me they like it...
Since when i lose myself to the fake network society...?!

i ve hide it long enough
BUT NOW

when everyone in my family had gone to bed; when i have beers in my stomach, i think i have the courage to clear the air. At least, not understandable for you, but, this post is for ME. me myself....

I HATE JUDGEMENTS, especially for those who don't understand, and those who like to judge before they try their best to FEEL. This is one of the main reason i begin to hide my inner expressions, the feelings, everytime i wish to speak out something. Indeed, im afraid; afraid of the consequences, afraid of the backstabbers, and most importantly, im afraid to fall apart, once again. yah, you may say i like to stay in my own comfort zone. but WHO DONT?! i can say i have protected myself well enough towards some foreseen problems. You may say im NEGATIVE too. but again, this is MY WAY to protect, to think negatively, so that im ready for whatever bullshits that r coming.

THE LAW OF ATTRACTION?

it's my greatest dilemma.
i chose to believe, i chose to see things positively. but, when one starts thinking positively, expectation counts. and this is when you gotta face the risk. the risk of receiving greatest disappointment, simultaneously with every little expectations.

SO?

not to say im too negative to accept the theory, again, this is just my little dilemma....

It has been months since i have ever talked about my college life, din't i? honestly, it was tough for me. For once, or the whole sem, i would say; yah... the bloody semester does drag me to hell... both emotionally and physically. It was a huge attack, and i fall. Fire, guns, bullets are everywhere, but im too weak to fight 'em through. I was on my knee, begging to the god, to let me stay alive through the big mess that have been created, and i promise i wont make a noise out of it. And yah, it works... but you know what?
Everything USED to be so perfect to me, as you remember, when i first got my scholarship, step myself into the dream school, and the noisy class, brothers and sisters, huge gang of kongkam madness, and my dreams started, through my OWN hard work.Yes! everything was so perfect... until, i start to doubt myself, and until, i start to compare, and... i cant get rid of the devil in my heart, that urge for more, seeking eagerly towards compliments and affirmations, dragging me down to the earth-full of abasement... It IS so strong in me, until sometimes, it stops me against moving forward...

where has the spirits gone?

College life has become much and much tougher than i could imagine...
when everyone has their own worries, when everyone has their own assignments to rush, and when everyone has their OWN responsibilities, you are left alone... School had become the place to critique, to learn, to compare and to present. after all, everyone rush back to their OWN position, and start working hard for the next show time. To eat in their own space, to stay awake and fight through the lonely night, all alone. And SEM BREAK, oh, BYEEEE.... everyone back to their original life again.
Im not talking about the personalities, but it's OUR LIFESTYLE...and this is when i start to doubt myself towards all these.... are these going to last long? and are these all i want for my entire life?
Sometimes we SEE, we CARE, and we FEEL, but...ya...
有心无力...
this is heart-breaking...

It's cruel out there, and... it's real life, you may say...
Is this when i gotta start adapting myself through it? To numb myself through all the heartbreaking criticisms; to accept the way people SEE friends; to adapt myself into the world that is full of masks and good actors; and to face the truth that people walks in and OUT of your life, so easy that sometimes they dont even want to say goodbye? It's getting tougher for people to meet people with the same wave length... to share and to talk with all their hearts...Some people see you fall and they can make a joke out of it. Is this the real life that i should adapt myself into? Is being expressive a wrong thing, too? even appreciations and gratitude, a good thing i would say, and we cant OVER express ourselves? And when we worried about someone or something, we are said to be "thinking too much".... SO?

YES... ive lost myself,completely...
swaying through the deep oceans that is full of sharks and monsters, from island to island, forcing myself to get into people's life, keeps on reminding myself " hey, listen, this is what they want to hear, this is what you SHOULD say"....






hmmph
i have been a little bit too negative now...i suppose;
but those shits up there have been stuck in my head, so long that i think it's time to clear them up.
RIGHT NOW.

I ve been told to do what I WANT, without concerning too much;
i have been told too, that i need to find myself back before im back to the battle...

and yes,
this is what im going to do.

To complete the post without worrying bout any judgements towards the naked heart,
and TO BE MYSELF,
once again...



thgs are going to be fine,
very soon...
coz i believe, the soul is back on me again...